Food Coma and Love's Laziness

May 13th, day 4 in the real world. Today was the first day I didn’t drink before 5pm since college. I exercised and ate vegetables. Then, my roommate claimed a Texas Barbeque place in Atlanta was the single best in the city. They had $6 pitchers of Yuengling, Frito Pies, Brunswick Stew, and Ribs. My body will never be the same. I entered a deep sleep coma. *See Dave Chappelle for explanation http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?title=ribs-sleep-aid&videoId=219416.

                Productive: I went swimming, applied for a job, and got an interview for next week. The great thing with swimming is that you can exercise, not sweat, and see girls in bikinis. How this is a respectable pastime is bewildering. This exercise brings to mind an important aspect of my Alma Mater. There’s this concept known as Emory Goggles. A decidedly negative form of Beer Goggles which indicates all females at the university need an extra boost to the classic 1-10 scale. I strongly believe the common acceptance of this rule of thumb is the cause of much of the lack of sexual experience by our equally unimpressive male cadre.

                Ponderings: Now, I have a decent concept of how one meets the opposite sex in college. You have math class together, you both belong to X club, go to a house or frat party, or go to the one college bar everyone else goes to because it doesn’t card. But how do you in the real world? I can’t just assume they’re going to be between 18-22 years of age and at the very least I can talk to them about classes or some other uninteresting thing. That’s all gone.

                My brother-in-law, a wiser man than myself, has a few ideas on men getting women. We men are extraordinarily lazy creatures. Most of my bouts with sobriety occur when I simply run out of alcohol and never make it to the store. We attempt to date the women that are simply around us. If a girl comes into my house often enough and is not dating one of my roommates, I will probably try to sleep with her. If you put a straight man and woman in the same room long enough they will either sex it up or kill each other.  The real world illustrated this beautifully. I believe this is why there are so many office romances and scandals where your friend starts sleeping with your little sister. Laziness – the true maker of love.

I Speak Only English

                May 12, 2011 day 3 in the real world. I have a phone interview at 11am for a really nice job. I wake up for the first day in the real world before noon. Brew coffee, shower, and look over my notes for the interview. I’m ready. 11am comes and goes, my phone lays silent. Now, I’ve had some issues with phone interviews before. Reschedulings, a lack of a perfectly quiet environment and on one occasion I almost ran out of battery on my cell and lost my breath for 10 seconds from bounding across the room for my charger. This, however, was the first time a major corporation has just blown off an interview. I’ve already dealt with this crap from places that just quit responding to my emails and lacked the courtesy to tell me anything final. There’s also a certain government agency which takes at least a week to return an email. But, this was some major BS.

                My previously hopeful and ambitious day turned bitter early. To amend this I went swimming at the college pool. Afterward, I took our ritual trip to Taco Mac for the complimentary pint glasPost Optionss with the purchase of the beer of the month. This was probably my last time. We then walked across the street to Fontaine’s and their ever present $2.50 Sam Adams as well as their half price oyster and shrimp specials for Thursday afternoons. This was essentially the end of my day.

                Here’s a list of suggestions on my immediate future. One, go to DC and whore myself out to government agencies.  Two, go to California and whore myself out to internet start-ups. Three, go to Texas and help my mother gardening in the backyard. Four, join a farmer co-op in the Midwest. Five, spend all my saving for a flight to Amsterdam and see what happens. Six, go to Kansas and live with some family while trying to find a job. Six, get my bartender license and find a woman. Seven, impregnate a girl of some standing and see what happens. I believe this individual overestimates my ways with women and underestimates my conservative heritage. Lastly, join the military. My conclusion: my friends and family should never be in the same room.

                I’m still trying to come up with some sort of plan. I’ve got a couple thousand dollars, a car, a passport, and a degree in economics. Any ideas? Keep in mind I speak only English.

Joys of the Unemployed and Unresponsible

May 11, 2011 Day 2 in the real world. I awoke hung-over but satisfied and amused by the colorful Toucan staring at me from my drunken purchase. I had a renewed resolve to exercise as soon as my headache dissipated. Other graduated roommate yells – There’s a lunch special at the Highlander, 5 bucks for a shot and a beer. I repeat a shot and a beer. I did not exercise; we left at 12:33 pm. The drinks, atmosphere, location, and mixture of arcade games and pool were terrific. The extreme summer heat and day drinking made for a very unpleasant surprise upon leaving the Highlander. We then decided to spend $5 on two bottles of wine at Trader Joe’s. It’s just too good a deal.

I applied for one more job and researched the company for my phone interview. It appears that I am woefully unqualified for the job. I do not have two years of programming experience or a keen interest in financial markets. Regardless, the interview is still on.

I spent most of the rest of the day sitting under the one of the four functioning air conditioning vents in the Cabin. For the old people, I surfed the web. For the young people, I trolled the internets. I read up on some webcomics, read the news, and watched Dragon Ball Z on Hulu for the enjoyment of 10 year old me. The dubbed version is far superior, as the original Japanese has the main character and savior of the world speak like a woman or pre-pubescent boy. The sound is simply irritating and detracts from the story and appeal of the main character who should be the manly man that he is in my memories. I thoroughly look forward to watching him power up for a full 3 episodes.

I now have two things I must do tomorrow. Rock this phone interview and drop some things off to the girl taking over my coffee shop. It should be my busiest and most productive day in the real world yet!

Myth Busted: College Life Continues

May 10, 2011 day one outside of college. I am still living in the house I share with 3 other college guys. I’m the only one slated to leave and completely unemployed. The summer subleters are already here waiting for us to leave. This brings the total household to 7 or 8 depending on how you count girlfriends who are always around. We’ve got 5 guys to a bathroom. It is as dirty as you would assume. The number of televisions and video game consoles has tripled on all counts. We have 6 minifridges and not a single measuring cup.

With the increased testosterone, desire to celebrate, and family members in town my meat intake has increased exponentially. I had gradually dumbed it down to two or three servings of meat a week. Since finals ended, I’ve had meet with virtually every meal. My attempt of limiting environmental impact, lowering my own financial costs, and probably increasing my health has now utterly regressed and failed. This has added hypocrisy to my list of imperfections, as for the last two and a half years I have been employed or running an environmentally friendly and social justice oriented coffee shop/student group on campus. Perhaps leading by example is overrated? Or, I’m just making excuses for myself. Or, I am merely exercising my ability as champion of the food chain and tamer of Mother Nature. This website will prove my point: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Land_reclamation.

This day marks the end of the insanity that is college. The Myth of College: pay money to party, drink, fool around with people your age and, if you pick your classes right, do virtually no work. Then, you get a cool white collar job with two weeks paid vacation. The Reality of College: Lose a bunch of money, gain weight, develop bad habits you never thought you’d have, and be dropped off in the real world with no real skills or experience to speak of. If you’re like me, you’ll retain a sense of entitlement and look down on those who’ve taken jobs you simply didn’t want for some reason. Now it’s not all bad. I have some great stories, a few more good friends, a new found ability to consume alcohol, and a couple girls who should hate me but oddly don’t.

Things I did today: Productive - applied for one more job and set up a phone interview for Thursday. Personal: Dropped the last of the dozen family members who came from all over the nation to see me graduate. I love you all, but thank God you’ve left. Social: Got slightly buzzed with the $5 pitchers of PBR and Half-Priced wings at the Graveyard in East Atlanta. I, however, went solely for the free dart games. Got extremely drunk in my house on a delicious Texas beer. On a related note, there’s a great deal at the Pitch n’ Putt Package Store in Atlanta – 24 Shiner Bocks for $14.06 with tax. I bought Fruit Loops at the local CVS around 2am and passed out with the unopened box in my arms.

School taught me to have abstracts in my papers

I graduated Summa Cum Laude from what US News reports as the 20^th best school in the United States. This occurred not but two days ago. After three years of college, a year early to save money, I have completed all the proper education that is expected of me or that I really desire. I spent every summer since I graduated from high school working a full time job and had a part-time job throughout college. I am currently a single, unemployed, broke twenty-something. I do not know how many jobs I have applied for since I began my search in September. However, I have written at least 54 cover letters. My current responsibilities are non-existent. My hope is dwindling faster than my bank account, thanks to the generosity of a few relatives via graduation gifts. To be melodramatic, my heart darkens with cynicism as I slowly enter real life. This is an attempt to keep my sanity through some form of work and daily routine. I chronicle the zeitgeist of the 21^st century young male. So, the story begins…